Heartache.

We lost a baby this weekend.  I had a miscarriage.

Last week was a hard week.  {Understatement.}  If you have read my last few posts, you already know that.  My week was filled with blood tests, prayers, hopes, and eventually loss.

I have debated about addressing this open wound in my heart in this public forum...and today I decided to take the jump and share.  Not many women talk about the loss of a pregnancy, but amazingly, when I did...I realized just how many women have felt the pain I am feeling.  Felt the loss I have realized.  If it was not for the help of some of these amazing women over the course of the last week or so, I would not be coping the way that I am.  Women helping women.  I love that.  That is why I needed to share.

I have always appreciated the amazingly healthy pregnancies that brought me my two greatest gifts, Myles Jacob and Jillian Kate.  Yet, now, after experiencing something other than a perfectly healthy pregnancy...I realize a whole other view point.

I'm sure over time I will share more of my feeling about the loss of a tiny baby, with dreams that will never be realized.  The mess of emotions that comes with the experience.  The faith necessary to let go of the worry and leave it up to God as you wait to lose something that you want and love with all of your heart.  All the while, still hoping for that tiny sliver of a chance that the doctors could be wrong.  Nothing to do...just wait...

Then, it happens.  Again, it is not in your control.  Nothing is in your control.  All those pregnant feelings leave your body and the physical and emotional pain is overwhelming and draining.

The hardest part was telling my children.  The excitement about a little brother or sister had been pure delight.  I was amazed at the amount of joy they had for our pending fifth family member.  So I knew, they would be devastated about the loss...just like I was.  And I had to tell them.  I did my research and decided how we would break the news to them.  I can't tell you my exact words, but the analogy I used was that of a garden.  In a garden, we plant seeds.  Sometimes they grow and sometimes they don't.  The baby was like a seed that God planted.  Our baby didn't grow.  This concept was very easy for my kids to understand.  In fact, Myles was one step ahead of me through the discussion and he could immediately tell what that meant.  Tears from my children over the loss are the tears that sting on my own face.

We continue to have open dialogue as the kids want to discuss the baby that we lost.  I can see them healing.  I can see them hopeful that one day we may receive another gift from God.

I am so thankful for the amazing support system that I have.  An amazing husband, family, and friends. I am thankful.

I also want to hand over the opportunity for other to share their experiences.  Women helping women.  Feel free to comment below, or contact me to discuss how you can share.