Focus on the Victories.

I ran outside tonight.

I ran in 40 degree rain.  It felt good.  I was freezing, but it felt good...and such a nice change from the boring treadmill.  I saw the frozen over lake, the rain in the puddles on the ground, melted snow rushing the drains, my feet hitting the pavement with each step, and my mind immersed in thought.

I needed the time.  Time to sort through the jumble of things in my head.  I suppose that would take a lot longer than a run, but it's a start.

I have talked to a few moms lately with a recurring conversation theme...

It is so hard to raise a family, work full-time, nurture a marriage, and succeed at all of it.  

It is so easy to feel like...

I suck at raising a family, working full-time, and nurturing a marriage. 

When you are juggling (which I can't), I would assume that the more items you have in the air...the harder it is.  We are all juggling a number of things going on in life...from a project at work, a sink full of dishes, or an emotional hardship.  They all add up.  They all take mind-space.  (Sidebar Warning...when jugging a lot of things like this...DO NOT STEP ON A SCALE.  It will only make things worse.)

I feel so sad to hear from these wonderful women that they feel like they are failing.  Yet, I know exactly how they feel.  As I listen to the conversation, I can understand exactly where each and every word shared it coming from.  I feel that.  I understand that.  I find myself telling the other women that they are not at all failing and that they are exactly what they need to be for their family...because you are you.  You are their mom.  You are his wife.  You are what they need.  I can say the words.  Internalizing them is much harder.

Tonight when I put the kids in bed, we went through our usual routine.  Baths, brushing teeth, books (usually one, but tonight we read two), prayers, and songs.  Afterwards, I retreated to the living room to clean up one of the largest forts that they have ever built.  Tent city is a more accurate description.  For whatever reason, I went back up to talk to Myles.  His little (toothless) smile over the edge of the bed, knobby knees tucked tight into his covers, and his damp hair tousled around his face just warmed my heart.  I told him how much I loved him.  He already knew.  Victory.

Next, I headed into Jillian's room.  In her own bossy (read: special) little way, she quizzed me on if I had put her Teddy Bear, snow pants, and boots in her backpack.  I had.  Passed another kid test with an A.

I'm gonna pack these two victories in the win column.  And...it's on to another day.  I've decided that focusing on the victories is the best thing I can do.  Feeling like the balls are all falling around me won't help.  It will just lessen my patience and weaken me.  Time to focus on the victories.  One day at a time.  One win at a time.  Bring on Tuesday.