This Mother's Little Black Book.

Last night Ben went down to the basement to do something and came up with a black notebook.  We used it as a communication notebook anytime anyone watched Myles when he was a little guy.  I remember Ben making fun of me for saving it (and many other little things like it that he must have missed).  It was so fun to read.  Page by page Myles looked through it and read things about his daily life as a 12 month old.  It was awesome.  It also reminded me how wonderful our nanny was for so many years of his life.  From age one to five, one day a week she would come and play, teach, and love him like her own little brother or nephew.  Then, of course, Jillian joined our family and she loved and cared for her just like Myles.  Priceless.  Anyway, I am totally diverging from my point...if I ever have one.

Look at this note.  I wrote one every week.  Like a baby manual, you can read through each daily novel for his quirky habits lately, what I was worried about, or what I prescribed for him to eat that day.  Every detail was accounted for...and if it wasn't in this week's note, check back a few weeks, I bet there is something about what you are wondering.  Neurotic.

Eventually, the notes turned to condensed handwritten versions of the initial night-before typed manuals.  I actually can remember stressing one night at 11pm, because I had not typed instructions yet.  By the time Jillian came along, the hand-written version was absolutely fine with me.  She was younger, but I had relaxed.

With both kids, I remember stressing about various things throughout their baby year.  Both kids hated drinking from a bottle and I would worry they were starving on my days away for work.  That was always my biggest stress.  Yet, throughout those baby years, there was always something for me to worry about.  Shots.  Solid foods.  Accidents.  You know, mom worries.

Do I still worry about my kids?  Of course.  In some ways, it is different though.  They are strong.  They are their own little people.  Now my worries focus more on keeping them safe and helping them be everything that they can be.

As I prepare for number three, I wonder if I will go back to my neurotic ways, or if I will be able to relax and enjoy my last baby experience .  I certainly have relaxed throughout the last six, almost seven years.  It is not for lack of love or care.  It must simply be attributed to experience in my "role".  Like a job that you have been in for a few years.  You know what you are doing.  Confident.  You have handled so many situations previously.

This time around, I also have little witnesses.  Myles and Jillian, who I know will be eager and willing helpers around the baby.  I want them to be comfortable.  I want Jillian to watch her mother, mothering a baby.  They learn so much from watching...more than I could ever tell her.  I want Myles to learn about caring for a baby.  Someday, I hope a wife will appreciate his baby appreciation.

So, my goal...to roll with the punches.  To try and not let the neurotic version of myself go into overdrive.  We'll see how it goes.